Fireman Sam - I've Got Hose (Area Codes)

In an attempt to better connect with today's youth, Fireman Sam's writers are taking the household hero from Pontypandy to Atlanta, with a re-release of Ludacris & Nate Dogg's "Area Codes", a misogynistic journey through the respective artists regional love interests.

The new series set to be released this May is expected to follow in the same vein, an insider told reporters "...we will see an edgier, more confident Sam this series, expect more explosions, more ladies and a lot more hose."

Fireman Sam - I've Got Hose (Area Codes):

Elsewhere this week, stopping short of confirming the long anticipated Fireman Sam vs Postman Pat movie, Harriet Kershaw, a Fireman Sam voiceover artist posted this cryptic tweet:

Je Suis Charlene

After furious protesting in Paris on Friday, lead by the feminist group Osez Le Feminisme, French government official's have agreed on a ten-year plan to remove masculine and feminine tenses from the French language. 

The decision was made after hours of intense pressure, which included pink graffiti being sprayed on the door of a French language school and the defacing of a Gillette advertisement in the Bastille area.

The ruling French Socialist Party announced Saturday that Culture & Communications Minister Fleur Pellerin is to lead a body of prominent feminists tasked with the 'degendering' of the French language, moving towards a gender neutral system by 2026.

A spokesperson for Osez Le Feminisme told reporters, "We can now look forward to a France in which our daughters can play Rugby, free of the ingrained falsehood that tells them Rugby is a game for boys, a France where our sons are not subjected to homophobic slurs simply because they enjoy the occasional sausage.”

Osez Le Feminisme also claimed responsibility for the barrage of disgruntled tweets aimed towards the Twitter accounts of Duolingo and Babbel, as well as Dutch footballer Ryan Babel who was mistaken for the latter. 

Language institutes and schools across the French-speaking world have been quick to express outrage at the French government’s decision, with the hashtag '#LAféministe'  trending on Twitter since Friday night, in an apparent display of defiance from the French public & the language communities.

However, some experts have argued that we will see a spike in the number of people learning French - particularly those from English speaking backgrounds; year 10 student Reece from Southborough High School in South London welcomes the transition, “it will definitely be more easier now because it was hard with the woman and the man terms and that.”

However not all students were happy, Year 8 Student Tamjit said “It's frustrating for students like myself who have dedicated additional hours of my time in order to master the nuances of the French language, only for the foundations of the language to be dismantled on the nonsensical premise that masculine and feminine tenses are a prerequisite to sexism.”

Amid all the fallout from Saturday's historic decision one thing is clear, French President François Hollande remains undeterred, responding to his critics on Saturday he poignantly remarked, “Je suis Charlene. Nous somme Charlene."

Es Paradis to house 1000 refugees in attempt to appear busy

Following another down year for San Antonio stalwart Es Paradis, club owners have agreed to house one thousand Syrian refugees through the twenty-sixteen summer season in an attempt to populate the club.

The announcement has so far been met with mixed reaction from the San An faithful. Julie, a British expat & San Antonio resident told us, “It’s sad, in the past few years the club have a built up a really nice ambience, it’s a great place to drink when you just want a quiet night away from the crowds, now I may be forced to consider Eden.”

One early casualty of the move was Fiesta Del Agua, a biweekly water party popular among Celtic and Rangers fans. Explaining their decision to axe the flagship night, Es Paradis spokesperson Santiago Fuentes told the press, “A lot of these people have endured traumatic journeys getting here, crossing large bodies of water with many losing family members in the process. As a club we don't want to put them through that again, especially not twice a week”, the club also cited unsustainable utility bills.

Fiesta Del Agua facing the axe

There is now a growing fear shared by workers and business owners alike, that the influx of migrants could have a damaging effect on the local economy; posting in the Viva Ibiza Facebook Group, Dean, a veteran of two seasons said, “the job market is tough enough as it is, between wrist-banding and selling smarties I could barely afford ‘carton of Sangria at ‘end of month, with these lot all crammed in together they’ll drive wages down further and we’ll be the ones without work, it's a f**king joke.”

Awa N’Diaye, spokesperson for the LLLU (The Looky-Looky Labor Union) has called for local government to block the move, stating, “further saturation of the Rayberry market could prove an insurmountable obstacle for the flourishing Looky-Looky community and would bring about a sharp decline in our numbers.”

The Looky-Looky community could suffer

Bar owner Adolf was another quick to express his outrage, calling it “an irresponsible PR move”, he went on to say “for smaller bars like ourselves located on the outskirts of the West End, we have relied heavily on the loyalty of our returning customers and in our case those customers are predominantly German, so you can imagine my concern”, whilst Adolf expects a similarly high volume of male customers in twenty-sixteen, he noted, “I didn’t open a bar so I could lust over men!” 

Brunt Force Trauma; Generous Fans Fight Back

Following multiple occurrences of coin throwing during last weekend's FA Cup ties, West Brom’s Tony Pulis and Chelsea boss Guus Hiddink have both publicly condemned their respective sets of supporters. The response of the two managers has since drawn outrage from fans of both clubs, who have come out in defence of their actions, insisting the missiles came from a place of generosity, not spite.

The first incident took place during Saturdays fixture at Reading’s Madejski Stadium. At the game's conclusion, West Brom fans hurled coins towards the Reading players, which led to West Brom vice-captain Chris Brunt being struck by a coin, appearing to cause a small gash on the nose of the midfielder; Brunt received plaudits for staying on his feet.

Brunt catches tip meant for Reading player.

However, despite Brunt's later complaints, West Brom fans are suggesting that Brunt was on the receiving end of karmic justice. Season ticket holder Tom Bridgwater told us, “Reading beat us pretty comfortably on the day so out of respect for their players performances and the comparatively poor wages they earn, we felt a small donation was only fair”, he went on to blame Captain Chris Brunt for the incident, “Chris obviously decided 45k a week wasn’t enough for him and he attempted to catch the money himself, but as ever his lack of awareness on the pitch cost him.” 

A second coin-throwing incident took place the following day, this time involving Chelsea fans in  their cup clash with Premier League rivals Manchester City. 

Andre Marriner cashes in.

Whilst the event drew the ire of club officials, the Chelsea Supporters Trust issued a statement criticising the club for demonising fans, explaining, “Manchester City fielded a side packed with youth on Saturday, many as young as 18, earning as little as £5000 a week and following some dazzling play by the academy products, leading to a remarkable Man City goal, Chelsea fans attempted to throw tips on to the pitch, sadly the officials decided to exploit the situation and pocket the money themselves.” 

Tipping players is a growing problem in the United Kingdom with the Met Police recording 163 incidents of tipping in during the 14-15 Season, rising from 127 the previous year.